The Misunderstood Hazard Light Switch

As I kid, I always found the hazard light switch fascinating. Anyone who is well versed with handling a floppy drive will remember a tiny orange coloured switch, peeping out from the dashboard, pestering you to have a go at it.

It was always left alone; the steering wheel and its cronies got all the attention. It was always ready; like the firefighter who awaits the event of a burning house to perform his duty. It was supposed to be a guardian when all things failed. It was him you relied on to save your car's behind from the immense momentum of a truck armed to the teeth with gas cylinders.

Times change; the floppy drive is no more and the hazard light switch has been extremely busy. Indian traffic has always been dangerous according to people who aren't from India. If they had their way, they'd drive around with the hazard lights on all the time.

We've found some unique uses for the hazard light switch. Somewhere down the line, people used the switch and realized that it turns both the indicators on. Some people interpret this to their advantage and use it to indicate that they're going straight. Which I find mildly amusing. What would they do if they wanted to go straight in a line, backwards? I guess the 8-bit musical melody is indicative of that scenario, when used along with the hazard lights.

Bangalore has many narrow streets and limited space for parking. Another scenario where our protector is called upon is when there's no space to park. The owner of the car would like to pick up some donuts or diapers, which is obviously a huge emergency. I saw this live the other day; a grown 40 year old man was guiding traffic past his inappropriately parked car and he had the look of satisfaction that I've only seen on Tendulkar's face after he scores a century. All because the hazard lights were on; for it's the modern day Father who forgives you for all your sins.

It seems to me that turning the hazard light switch on is equivalent to doing the entire society a huge favour. Apart from letting others know that you're a hazard to the world, you're also showcasing your ineptitude so that future mothers stay away from you and your genes aren't propagated further. If the Fuhrer was alive he'd send the gestapo to come pick you up for a little discussion. They'd arrive with their hazard lights on, of course.

The protector has now degenerated into a massive being at the center of the dashboard. He has now become the equivalent of a buzzer on a reality show. Papa taps on it when he spills coffee, Momma calls on him when she needs a pair of tissues. All the kids ever ask is, "What does this button do?".

All he really wants is to be away from the paparazzi and to be called on when the circumstances are dire. And he cries every night, wishing that people would see him for who he actually is.

Vandals In Uniform

I moved to a new locality a couple of weeks back. My house is in a lane which is quite narrow and since it's in  bang in the middle of town, it's a one way. It's not uncommon for people to park their vehicles in this lane as the locality I live in is a commercial zone. One would assume that it's absolutely fine to park my bike opposite my house.

Since my bike was parked and not attended to for a few days, it attracted the attention of the local police. They seemed very interested in my bike last night and I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Police constables are not paid well and it's quite alright for them to look at my bike and fiddle with it; hoping that they'll own one someday.

This morning, I woke up to a cop examining my motorcycle like he'd discovered a new species of a frog. I asked him what the matter was, and he politely asked me to park my vehicle inside the house compound. He said that his boss was about to pay a visit to the area. It seems like a fair request and I did so. And that's when things started to flare up a bit, for me at least.

I discovered that both my tires were flat. I've owned this bike for a couple of years; it's never given up on me. Even when it has given up on me, it was entirely my fault. That got me thinking. I have a sneaky feeling that a couple of jobless, incompetent nitwits deflated my tires to send a message across.

I consider myself lucky. I know a friend who got into a fight with an autowallah with a meter that ran faster than Usain Bolt. The cops promptly took him to the police station and threatened to throw him in the lockup as he was tipsy and apparently, was on the wrong side of the law. I don't see why or how. He did the right thing by taking an auto. I believe punching a cheat is against the law. So is punching a cop, but there's room for interpretation.

 I have absolutely no evidence about who deflated my tires. But then, there's no evidence about a lot of scams that surface every now and then.

I could have tried to get even with them, but then I had an epiphany. I don't need to do much. Inefficient idiots just sit around and grow potbellies expecting things to be handed to them in a silver platter. Efficient people move on to greener pastures and flourish. And that's why I consider myself lucky.

I consider myself lucky because I've been blessed with an intellect that allows me to earn a living and live a life without going about deflating tires or threatening people with jail time just because they're drunk. Or sending people home at 10 PM just because they cannot control crime. I'd rather give them the pleasure of deflating my tires; it's like handing a kid a lollipop while I gobble down a triple sundae topped with silver vark and the most exquisite dry fruits. 

The IPL is here to stay and it isn't because of the cheerleaders

I was a skeptic of the Indian Premier League. I always assumed that people would lose interest in it after a few seasons. Cricket is considered to be a boring game; T20 cricket and IPL may change that. I have a feeling that it will.

Cricket relies on goodwill. It is the only game where the home side has a say in the playing conditions; it's legal to mess around with the surface to suit the home team's strengths. Goodwill ended the day Hitler decided to gas the Jews. There's been no goodwill ever since. The Indian Cricket team is unbeatable in India because of the pitches that we prepare. Any sign of grass and moisture on the pitch will have the subcontinental teams wetting their pants.

T20 cricket evens it out. The bowler only needs to last four overs, and hence he can can go all out without the need to conserve energy. The pitch may assist the batsman like the SS assisted Hitler back in the day; it's very easy for the bowler to counter that advantage because conserving runs is a high priority. There is no need for attacking bowling; starving the batsman of runs can frustrate him into a rash move where he throws his wicket away.

Likewise, the batsman needs to get a couple of hits over or across the boundary and he's got the advantage. A batsman doesn't need to last more than twenty overs. Ten overs of blitz is sufficient. The contest between the batsman and the bowler isn't as dependent on the conditions as it used to be. It's extremely unpredictable; mystery is good. The most memorable games are the ones that go down to the wire and IPL has a lot of them.

None of this would make any difference if the tournament was being hosted in the USA. Indians are crazy about cricket; the only other thing that they really care about is Bollywood  The IPL has Bollywood in it too. Many teams are owned (partially) by film actors and their likes. Shilpa Shetty and Preity Zinta in slow motion have a charming effect on the TV audiences. The broadcast of Dhoni's innings on television consisted mostly of his wife smiling into the camera. Indians love glamour and IPL has lots of it.

The IPL is a business. A business will do well if it's a win-win situation for all parties involved. The IPL offers a great channel for advertising; the media loves the excitement. It promotes cricket too, albeit in a weird manner. It doesn't encourage traditional cricket; but in this age of batting pitches, shortening the game balances the game. There are more teams, and hence more opportunities for players to get noticed. Getting noticed in T20 cricket and delivering in other forms of cricket are like oranges and apples. But it does provide more opportunities for players and that's not a bad thing at all.

Opportunities aside, the players get to make a buttload of cash for two months work. That's not a bad deal. A couple of hits or a couple of tight overs and one could be the man of the match. Its got a lot of money, and the players get to take home handsome amounts of money.

The audience gets their money's worth too. For a few hundred rupees, the general public gets to watch players from all around the world. There's room for improvement though; the stadiums are filthy, the general public is treated like cattle.

The IPL isn't something that I like, but I guess you get used to it. I don't know if it will help spread cricket; that's debatable and only time will tell. The IPL has a lot to offer; good cricket isn't what it offers though. What it offers is good entertainment and that's always appreciated.

Symmetry

Symmetry as a concept is a very integral part of our lives. Humans and animals tend towards symmetry. A lot of the things that we design are always almost symmetric. Asymmetry does exist; when it does, it's got a special place in the universe. Not all things are symmetric, but most of the world tends to follow symmetry.

The notion of beauty is based on symmetry. The definition of beauty varies; some people like chubby faces while others like strong facial features. People interpret symmetry of facial features as beauty.

Most architectural designs follow symmetry. Think of the most iconic buildings in the world, and they will exhibit some symmetry. The Taj Mahal is symmetric and so is the Eiffel Tower. Ancient civilizations built symmetric structures too. The Pyramids of Giza are one example. I can't think of anything else right now but I'm certain that any structure built by ancient civilizations would have exhibited symmetry in some form or another.

Cars and motorcycles show some symmetry. Almost all forms of transport are symmetric along one plane. Symmetry in automobiles is a necessity along the longitudinal plane. If they weren't stable along the longitudinal plane, they would be extremely unstable in motion. Engineers try to incorporate symmetry when it comes to the weight distribution of a vehicle, as it lends stability to an automobile.

Stabilty and symmetry are correlated at the micro level too. Electrons in molecules and atoms like pairing up. They always exist in pairs of opposite spin. A lone electron in an atom decreases the stability of the atom whereas all electrons paired up increases stability. All noble gases have their electrons paired up and don't react. This doesn't mean that they will not react; it just takes a lot of effort to get them to form compounds. All atoms which contain an unpaired electron will always try to achieve stability; they will find other atoms which can help pair this electron up. This is the basic rule; things aren't this simple though.

Optical Isomerism is an interesting topic. Isomers (in chemistry) are different forms of the same compound or element. Optical Isomers exist in certain compounds; they are non-superimposable mirror images of each other. Although it seems like a minor difference; the implications of this phenomenon are major. Some drugs that are used to treat medical conditions require just one of the optical isomers of the chiral compound. The other form is useless because of its spatial configuration. A right hand will only fit into a right handed glove.

Symmetry and asymmetry exist together. The earth is symmetric, more or less; the details of it aren't. So is the human body. Atoms show some form of symmetry, automobiles aren't symmetric along all planes. The BMW S1000RR is mostly symmetric, but I find the asymmetric front very attractive.

Symmetry isn't always good, and it isn't always bad. One may think of symmetry and asymmetry as good and evil. They both exist together.

If everything's good; there is no bad. Likewise, if everything is symmetric, there is no asymmetry to spice things up. They're both an essential part of our lives, and that's quite remarkable. 

Friday Night's Drinkin' To: Walter Wanderley

Music is a fascinating subject. It can be simple and engaging, or it can be extremely complex and absolutely boring. A lot of it is about how individuals perceive sound; and this makes it very subjective.

I've observed that music is always in the details. You do need something that is obvious to your ears, but the essence of a good track is always in the things that occur occasionally and in the background. A bunch of notes hanging around can change the mood and convey another meaning, much like a misplaced comma.

I guess this track appealed to me because it sounds simple. But there are little things hidden for your ear to notice the next time you play it, which makes you want to investigate it further.

Cheers!

Artist: Walter Wanderley
Track: Os Grilos (The Crickets Sing for Anamaria)

The Megaphone

"Good drivers rarely honk and honking drivers are rarely good."

There is a very good reason why this is true. Driving involves reflexes and processing a lot of information at once and predicting where you will be in the future, spatially. If one spends valuable microseconds honking (which is equivalent to weeks when you talk about reflexes), chances are that you'd have wasted your time honking at an idiot who just doesn't care. Avoiding that situation is a wiser thing to do. It helps to remember that honking is not the solution, it is the problem. Be polite, be smart, and only honk to make people aware of your presence.

The Hutch Dog

I feel like the kid from the Hutch advert. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about check this video out.

The kid is followed by the Hutch dog everywhere he goes. It was supposed to depict the quality of Hutch's mobile phone network. I'm in a similar situation, except that the metaphorical dog is a set of speedhumps.

They seem to follow me wherever I go. About ten years ago, the neighborhood I grew up in had excellent roads. Tight, twisting corners and slopes made it extremely fun to ride around that neighborhood  There were a combination of fast straights and fast corners. There were some slow corners where you could test and develop your skills. It is a different matter that I was on a puny 60cc moped, but these roads encouraged me to ride. All that you see now are badly designed speedhumps in all the sweet spots.

My family moved to another area about three years ago. Times changed, the moped was replaced by a faster motorbike. An army cantonment surrounds the new location my family moved to. The roads in these cantonments are very well designed. Probably to keep the skills of the officers and soldiers sharp during times of peace. I remember fast sections peppered with fast turns which helped me build up speed, at the end of which was a corner where I had to brake really hard to achieve a fast exit.

These people went a step further; the entire section is closed to the public. All you have now is a set of boring straights with many speedhumps to brighten your day.

Due to reasons not involving speedhumps, I moved to another city. The complex I stay in had really good sections, until yesterday. Technology has advanced and so has speedhump technology. They come in prefabricated sections, which only need to be screwed into place.

There is a massive problem with this approach. One can't erect speedhumps everywhere. If people have the right to raise children who will turn into rapists, people do have a right to go fast. One may argue that not all children will turn into rapists; and I have a similar counter-argument. Not all people who ride fast are dangerous. Some of them actually know what they're doing.

Do you see a problem with the approach we have? Let me elaborate.

There is a place for all children who turn into rapists: the hangman's noose. Do we have a place for people who can and want to go fast? It turns out that there are 1336 jails in India. How many tracks do we have where people can have fun? Coimbatore has one, Chennai has one and the F1 track in New Delhi is out of the common man's reach. There are other test tracks that motor companies have for their official use, but they are never thrown open to the public.

What we need is a set of race tracks where people can bring their vehicles along and go around the track for a fee; as long as they have the right safety gear and motor insurance. Run off areas will prevent any cornering mishaps from escalating into deaths, and that way we can have our fun while the general public raises potential rapists.

This idea has many benefits. It will encourage Motorsport in India. The added advantage is that people can satisfy their need for speed in controlled conditions, and it makes it less dangerous for riders/drivers. The icing on the cake is that people can continue strolling potential rapists in their hi-tech prams, without worrying about a maniac on a motorcycle.

In Dependence

I see a lot of anti-corruption drives, and people seem to believe in a false notion that all corruption can be rooted out in an instant. I was naive; I believed in this concept too.

Humans are greedy, egoistic, selfish beings. Every being that exists on this planet has this trait, to some extent. It is intrinsic, and is essential for the survival of any species. Being selfish is what enabled certain animals to survive the worst case scenarios, and this ensured that the strongest one survived. We are animals too. Humans have a better cognitive capacity, and this makes us much more dangerous than the other species that exist today.

A lion will never think about food unless it is hungry. We do. Our food is money, and money drives everything. We want a lot of money, and for some, it can come at any cost. Most of us dream of living a comfortable life, and the definition of a comfortable life varies. Intelligence and education have nothing to do with greed.

Corruption is a deep rooted problem. Think of it as a massive banyan tree, with hundreds of aerial roots supporting its massive structure. The trunk and the branches are the system that exists today. We, the people of this country, are the aerial roots that support the massive branches. The branches weigh too much; they cant support themselves without the help of the roots that grow out of the massive branches. We are an integral part of the system.

As the branches grow heavier, many more roots are added to the system to support the additional weight. Surprisingly, this system works, and banyan trees have known to live for a few hundred years to a thousand years. The banyan tree's lifespan is a debatable thing, because of the way it grows. The main trunk is indistinguishable from the some of the aerial roots after a while. Some aerial roots grow thicker, and they are no longer small players. They no longer support the system just to make it easy on themselves. They are big fish now.

We have to choose to not be the aerial roots, we have to choose to be the leaves of the tree. The leaves of the tree are light and efficient. They provide energy for the whole system to survive. With more leaves and lesser roots, the whole system becomes less massive, and hence, more efficient. It consumes lesser resources, and is much more useful. Think Eucalyptus, Coconut Palms, Mango, Neem, etc. They have many more uses, they're not just ornamental.

We are all dependent on each other. The system cannot function without the aerial roots that exist, massive or not. This mechanism has sustained itself for many years, and by now, it's comfortable being what it is. 

It will take us a lot of time to evolve from the Big Banyan tree that we are now into a tall eucalyptus tree that you'd find in Kodaikanal. The change needs to come from within. It is up to us to be a leaf and to contribute to a vertical, more useful growth.

In case you didn't know, the Banyan is India's National Tree.

Why Bangalore's Roads Shouldn't Be Widened

I was born and brought up in Hyderabad. We were in Bangalore when I was an infant, and I hear that Bangalore was a very different city then. It had many more trees, cooler weather, and the IT boom didn’t hit Bangalore yet. It was still called Bangalore.

Why change the name of a city? People need to throw away perfectly fine letterheads, repaint the display boards outside their businesses. It’s just a waste of resources. This simple change from Bangalore to Bengaluru, for political reasons, would have cost the country at least 10 crore Rupees. I’m sure that this is a very conservative estimate.  

Why am I surprised? We are ruled by idiots who’d like to spend 17 Crores all over the state on Jalabhishekams and Jalayagnas (prayers for rain). Seventeen Crores from the taxpayer’s money!  I’m okay with people praying to the gods, people do have a right to believe in god, and I don’t question that. I feel that the taxpayer’s money should be utilized properly; drought relief would be a very good idea. Rain dances and prayers do not justify an expenditure of INR 17 Crore from the public exchequer.

Prayers are not going to help, because god has forsaken us a long time ago. Bangalore shot itself in the face about ten years back, when the IT boom occurred. Improper planning has resulted in high population density, and a loss of tree cover. My grandfather told me that back in his days, when he was posted in Bangalore as an IAF officer, Bangalore had the status of a “non-fan city”. This meant that officers were not entitled to ceiling fans in their quarters. The weather was so cool in the 1950s, that during the rains, they’d need blankets at night. He also told me that Bangalore started getting warm around 1955, and that’s when he went and bought a table fan for the house. That’s all they needed. Just one fan, for the entire house.

I remember how Bangalore was in 1999-2000. It was not as populated, there were fewer high rises, and many more trees and lakes. I believe that the rapid expansion of Bangalore is what ruined it; the city didn’t have any place to expand at all. The Ring road is usually a road that circles the city, but by the time namma brilliant Civic Authorities finished it, the ring road was just like any other road with serpentine traffic. 

How did they solve this problem? They decided to lay another road, and these creative geniuses called it the Outer Ring Road. Flyovers are still being built today as an upgrade for a road which is too narrow for the amount of traffic it’s fed. It’s an upgrade to a problem that shouldn’t have existed in the first place.  

There’s an Outer-Outer Ring Road, which is called NICE road (yes, that’s an abbreviation), which now circles the outskirts of Bangalore. By the time the NICE road is finished, they’ll need to lay another road around it, and soon, Bangalore will start resembling an atom. A dense nucleus made of atomic particles, with orbits around the nucleus in which the electrons exist. 

I see examples of such myopic vision all over the place. The Bengaluru International Airport is a fine example. They decided to build it a few light years away from Bangalore, and then, just for kicks, they decided that the airport only needed to be as big as an anthill. Take a flight during peak hours, and it will resemble a termite colony. I once flew down from Hyderabad to Bangalore, and it took me 7 hours, door-to-door.

I’ve worked out that it’s faster to drive to Hyderabad, than take the 10 AM flight to Hyderabad. The car needs to be powerful enough. If you think that I’m wrong, I’m up for testing my theory. If you have a sedan which has more than 150 horsepower, please book a 10 AM flight to Hyderabad, leave your luggage with me, and I shall meet you in Hyderabad.  I reckon that to avoid the unpredictable traffic, you’ll need to leave your home early in the morning and the check in takes a really long time.  It will be interesting to see who wins. I should warn you that the Hyderabad – Bangalore highway is like one of Sharapova’s legs. Long and smooth.

Talking about highways and roads, I always thought Bangalore’s narrow roads were a disadvantage. Until I went through the horror of driving down the Old Madras road during peak hours, that’s when I had this profound realization. Something that made me dive deep into the way we think and how we’re wired.

Indians are chaotic. We were never meant to be one country, we’ve always fought against each other, and we’ve always had differences. It was the British rule that brought us together, and we still find it difficult to inculcate discipline into ourselves. The Bangalore roads have instilled discipline into people (as compared to Hyderabad), because there’s always a fear of being run over by a monstrous truck if you cut lanes without checking the rearview mirrors. Or, if you turn without your indicators on. If you compare the roads to Hyderabad, the roads in Bangalore offer much less room for error.

In Hyderabad, you tailgate the vehicle in front of you, and if the vehicle in front of you moves left, you follow with the same maneuver. This is a beautiful phenomenon, where you know that the person has cut left because he’s spotted an Auto or a cyclist in the fast lane. It’s all intuition and anticipation. Here’s another example. There’s all the space that one would want, but why would that Innova in front of you cut left? If there’s no traffic around that Innova, this could only mean that he’s centering a pothole. You then follow up by sticking to the side of the car (if you’re on a motorcycle), so that you end up avoiding the pothole.

Bangalore traffic lacks this sense of brotherhood. Everyone’s tolerating each other and being careful because there’s no room for error; there’s just no space. But once you let them loose onto a wide road like the Old Madras Road or the Outer Ring Road, it’s just pure madness. Think of it this way; what would happen if you break open the gates of a Zoo and set all the animals free? Pure chaos.  Or what would happen if the Tihar Jail’s walls collapsed. We’d have rapists, murderers, a few politicians and other criminals all over the place. A very unpleasant sight indeed.

Yes, I agree that Hyderabad’s traffic is way more chaotic, but drive around in Hyderabad and you’ll understand that the wide roads there create opportunity for sharing space. Like I said, you start “understanding” the traffic, and it’s the same whether you’re on a narrow road or a wide road. There’s this mutual understanding between motorists. It doesn’t matter if I am on the wrong side of the road, they’ll always share their side of the road with you. And pass funny comments like “Rocket mein paida hua kya?”, if you’re going way too fast.

But let a Bangalorean out on to a wide road, and he’ll behave like a dog let loose. He’ll sniff every single part of the road and mark his territory even though another dog will come along and piss all over it anyway. Bangalorean traffic needs to be leashed. It only works well on narrow roads. Just like Huskies, which work well when you tie them up together and force them to work together. It just doesn’t work otherwise.

You may wonder what the solution to this problem is. Isn’t it obvious? We need Namma Metro to be up and running as soon as possible. We need to get all the people off the roads, and into safer places like trains running over our heads.  That way, they’re packed into a tiny box running on a track above the roads, where they’ll have to tolerate each other because of the order which has been forced upon them. Like liquid helium, which has very low entropy.

The Imam's Pasand

People love rains during a summer. I don't. It is the worst thing that can happen during a summer. All it does is cool down the weather a bit, it gets humid a little later, and the mango crop is gone until the flowers get pollinated by the bees and butterflies. The weather will only get hotter, as the rains are infrequent during an Indian summer, but the mango crop is now delayed.

Mangoes are the only good thing that the summer gives us. It teaches us that everything happens for a reason, and that in the most difficult times, life has something sweet to offer.

I have tried quite a few varieties this season, but the one that made an impression on me is the Imampasand. The Imampasand is a delicate darling, with a soft skin. Its imperfect skin can be misleading. At first glance, it looks like a mango which is not valuable. The colour is yellow, with green patches, when ripe. The smell is incredible, just like any mango, and so, you can be forgiven if you think that this is an ordinary mango.

The Imampasand, according to information found on the internet, has disputed origins. Some say that it was grown in Kerala and then discovered by Humayun, and that its name is actually Humayun Pasand. On the other hand, its name translates to "The Imam's Love". In case you don't know who or what an Imam is, it is an Islamic leadership position. The Imampasand looks like a cross between a Banganapalli and a Mulgoa, (I've never seen or eaten a Mulgoa, or maybe I have, but it sure looks like a Banganapalli), so it is quite likely that this mango originated from Andhra Pradesh. The origin of this variety is lost in time.

This mango is hard to transport, because of its soft skin, and thus it costs about Rs 140 per kilogram. That works out to Rs 70 per mango. The first time I cut this mango, I was devastated. The flesh was a pale yellow rather than the deep yellow that we expect out of a good mango. But then, there was something special about this mango. The flesh near the edge is a deep yellow, but it gets pale on the inside. One bite, and I knew why this is so special. It's juicy, and there's a mix of tastes, so it doesn't bore you with a sugar hit. There's this citric tang to it that enhances the sweetness, it doesn't destroy the taste. And then, there's the aroma which I cannot describe, you just have to taste it to believe it.

The Imampasand taught me to not judge a book by its cover, and that everything has something positive and negative about it, and nothing is this world is perfect. The  Imampasand is truly one of the best I have ever had, but it's soft skin makes it hard to transport and it's imperfection misleads people. Other varieties have perfect skins, and golden yellow flesh, but I'm sure they'll have some imperfections too, if you analyze them. What makes the Imampasand so special is that all the imperfections are external, the flesh, the taste and the aroma hit the spot.


That Imam was a very wise person indeed.